Sue Monk Kidd, in When the Heart Waits, quotes Arthur Miller's After the Fall as she speaks of embracing the good and bad of one's life:
I had the same dream each night -- that I had a child, and even in the dream I saw
that the child was my life; and it was an idiot, and I ran away. Until I thought, if I
could kiss it. . . perhaps I could rest. And I bent to its broken face, and it was
horrible . . . but I kissed it. I think one must finally take one's life in one's arms.
Going through any life experience, happy or sad, unforgettable or traumatic, joyous or devastating, is a chance to move closer to your Self. Whether or not you take that chance is your own free will, but once you've noticed, named, and begin to recognize these opportunities they will sprout around you like wildflowers. You'll discover yourself in a field of growth in which you can move in any direction, or choose to stand still. Some people choose to see weeds all around them, and that field of life is ugly and miserable to stand in. But those who see the flowers sprouting, blossoming, will see the endless potential for growth in life. The chance to grow not only forward, but inward.
It is futile to try and hide or not feel what one is feeling. We are taught well to not let these feelings show, and it is finally rutted in our conscience enough to do it automatically. When something bad happens, or we feel bad about someone or something -- that it's best to put a smile on and plow through it. When I recently was betrayed by someone close to me, my heart burst but I quickly set it aside. The person asked for forgiveness, I granted it, we didn't talk about it again. I didn't let myself feel it anymore. But those feelings boiled inside me no matter how I tried to cover them, push them away, explain them or come to terms with them in peace and love and forgiveness, and now they are spilling over. Four years later, these feelings of betrayal are finally pouring out of me. POURING. It's as if the betrayal happened yesterday.
The difference today is that I'm letting them pour. I have a daily gusher of tears until the well runs dry and fills up again for tomorrow. I let myself feel it. I call my friends who will let me cry and I cry. At some point, I figure, the pitcher will finally be empty. Until then, I bend to my broken heart and my broken life and I kiss it. I take it in my arms and let the tears flow.
As someone who has had my share of really difficult times over the past couple of years (including a betrayal, and other even more awful things!), I really appreciate this post. I, too, have grown through letting myself feel and figuring out who I am. I understand how raw that sting of betrayal is, even after so much time has passed, even when you have forgiven, because it's almost as if forgiving and still loving the person makes it harder to move on! Keep feeling, and keep finding yourself!
ReplyDeleteThe truth is beautiful and you have beautifully told it. Forgiveness is cleansing- because holding on only hurts you. But you must feel all those messy feelings otherwise they come out in unexpected ways or inopportune moments.
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