Mirror Mirror

Talk as much as I can about my singing lessons?  For one minute?  Easy!  My part in the group activity for the Cognitive Coaching seminar I was attending seemed pretty simple.  In fact, the others in my group seemed to have the tougher jobs:  one member sat across from me and had to practice mirroring my body language as I spoke, and the other one stood next to us to observe and report out on how well the mirroring was done.  Around the room sat groups of 3, set up in similar triangles, ready to practice developing rapport through mirroring body language.

The facilitator was clear about my job: choose a topic I can talk for at least a minute about.  When he said "Go," I start talking.  I would get a 30 second warning to manage my talking time.  All I had to do was talk.  He'd even given us time in the hallway outside the classroom to chat with others and rehearse our one minute speech.  I sat with my partners completely confident and clear in my role.

"Go," the facilitator announced.   So I talked.  My colleague sitting across from me listened, her hands folded gently in her lap in a similar pose I held.  Her eyes met mine as I spoke.  She nodded and smiled at all the right places in my rambling.  She's very good at this, I thought.  And really, it worked.  I felt listened to.  I felt valued.

"Thirty seconds to go!" the facilitator shared.

Suddenly, I started fumbling. My thoughts became scattered, and my chest tightened.  My confidence waned.  What was happening? Was she even listening to me anymore?  I started to panic.

Unbeknownst to me when I stepped into the hallway (how did I not see it coming!?!?), all the "listeners" were instructed to break rapport at the 30 second mark by disengaging their body mirroring.  My colleague had unfolded her hands and turned slightly away from me.  Wow.  The results were instant.

It is absolutely unbelievable what someone disengaging their attention from you as you talk can do to your conversation and your confidence. I immediately thought of conversations I have where I am distracted or even disinterested.  My kids, my friends, my boyfriend.  A cashier in the grocery line.  Students with whom I am conferring and turn to tell another student to get back to work.  I thought of all the conversations I could improve, simply by facing the other person and slightly mirroring their body language.  I could make someone feel valued and listened to with such a simple movement.